Last night we saw the first application this season of Annika's 24 maxim:

A hostile with key information is a hostile down.

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Resist the Beckham hype!

Soccer is like communism. All true Americans shun and despise it. Now, MLS has managed to pluck has-been soccer megastar David Beckham in their latest attempt to force feed soccer to US sports fans.

Well let me be the first to say I won't stand for it. Americans gave the world baseball, football and basketball, and this is how the rest of the world repays us? With eurotrash David and Victoria Beckham?

Just say no to the hype that is sure to surround Beckham's Coming to America tour. I'm already feeling nauseated by the inevitable oh-so-serious Nike ads featuring Beckham bicycle kicking a soccer ball at supersonic speed through the back of a net fifty miles away — in grainy black and white with a techno soundtrack. Puleeeze, spare me. Soccer will always remain just notch between chess and tetherball on the excitometer, no matter how many spice girls you dress it up with.

Just say no to the Beckham hype!

Soccerus est communismus!

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The President has now outlined his new approach for Iraq. Do I think it will work? Really, who cares what I think? I don't care what anybody else thinks. The time for punditry has long passed. This is the time for results. I sense that the President finally understands this.

As I've said before, arguing about whether we should set a timetable for withdrawal is stupid. We already have one, and the deadline is January 20th, 2009. No amount of wishful thinking by war hawks can change the fact that unless there is significant and obvious improvement in Iraq, and soon, the next president of the United States will be elected on a platform of withdrawal.

Therefore, we who long for success should know that this is our last chance to succeed. We have less than two years. Those who oppose us know that this is the endgame for Iraq too. Our foreign enemies will do everything they can to embarrass U.S. forces by creating atrocities or inventing them wherever possible. Our domestic enemies will then do all they can to portray these atrocities as evidence of the failure, futility and immorality of our purpose.

Whether we succeed or not depends very little on what you or I say here at home, given those facts. Our men and women at arms will accomplish everything that is asked of them, as they always have. The question is whether the President and his generals will have the guts to keep fighting when the inevitable criticism hits fever pitch. Based on past experience, I need convincing.

This country is anti-war; our domestic enemies have already won that battle (with the unwitting help, I might add, of Mr. Rumsfeld and the commander-in-chief himself). The President's speech tonight will not magically transform the public's fatigue any more than it can change the Washington press corps into a group of people who love their country. If success is possible at this late hour, Mr. Bush will have to do it without the support of Congress, the media, or the majority of the American people.

But as President Bush explained less than half an hour ago, failure in Iraq would be a disaster. And therefore, I hope he understands above all that now is the time for results.

Technorati: iraq, bush, bush+speech

Posted by: annika at 07:57 PM | Comments (20) | Add Comment
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The Rattlesnake and Scorpion

by Ruth Yoshiko Okimoto

Said the Scorpion to the Rattlesnake,
"What manner of commotion is happening here?
The sawing of lumber and pounding of nails,
      black tarpaper falls and covers my trail.
Tall fence posts pierce deep into the ground
      securing chainlink fences and barbed wire from town."

Said the Rattlesnake to the Scorpion,
"Indeed, huge pipes obstruct and crisscross my path,
      and loud swishing noises disturb my sleep.
Why, I went foraging for food and found
      my favorite hunting ground vanished today
      and more will dwindle, I've heard them say."

Said the Scorpion to the Rattlesnake,
"And worse even yet, small human fingers foolishly grab
      my sisters, brothers, cousins, and all,
      and drown them in jars filled with alcohol."
"How foolish, indeed," replied the Rattlesnake,
      "Don't they know of your sting, my venomous bite?"

Said the Scorpion to the Rattlesnake,
"What kind of human would dare intrude into our sacred place?
We've lived on this land for centuries, I'm told,
      so, why do they come here to ravage and destroy?
We've lived in peace, both you and I,
      with no intent to hurt or annoy."

Said the Rattlesnake to the Scorpion,
"Some humans, I'm told, regard those who differ in skin
      or thought with what they call 'justifiable' hate."
"As you know," continued the Rattlesnake,
      "humans are the most dangerous animal of all;
      they kill with lethal weapons ten feet tall."

Asked the Scorpion of the Rattlesnake,
"So what do you think they are building here,
      in the midst of our desert home?"
Answered the Rattlesnake with a somber voice,
"It's something menacing, and I fear
      portend of dangers yet unclear."

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In case you hadn't heard this story:

Sullivan, a 46-year-old builder from Stowe, was aboard the United Airlines flight on the second leg of his trip home from San Francisco, where he and his wife Helena had been visiting their sons. He awoke from a nap shortly before landing and noticed something strange.

"My right leg felt like it was asleep, but that was isolated to one spot, and it felt like it was being jabbed with a sharp piece of plastic or something."

The second sting came after the plane had landed and the Sullivans were waiting for their bags at the luggage carousel. Sullivan rolled up his cuff to investigate, and the scorpion fell out.

"It felt like a shock, a tingly thing. Someone screamed, 'It's a scorpion,'" Sullivan recalled. Another passenger stepped on the two-inch arachnid, and someone suggested Sullivan seek medical help.

He scooped up the scorpion and headed to the hospital in Burlington. His wife stopped at the United counter and was told the plane they were on had flown from Houston to Chicago. The Sullivans surmised the scorpion boarded in Texas.

"The airlines tell you can't bring water or shampoo on a plane," Helena Sullivan said. But the scorpion did make it aboard, she said.

In other Samuel L. Jackson related news, check out this awesome t-shirt.

t-shirt recommendation via Dawn.

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The "big stink" yesterday in New York reminds me of a go-around I had with a snotty PG&E representative a few years ago. I had just moved into a new apartment.

Me: "Yes, I'm calling to report a gas leak."

PG&E rep: "How do you know there's a gas leak?"

Me: "I can smell it."

PG&E rep: "Okay, what do you smell?"

Me: "Gas."

PG&E rep: "Describe the smell for me."

Me: "It smells like gas. Are you going to send someone out or not?"

PG&E rep: "I need to first verify if there's a problem."

Me: "There is. I have a gas leak."

PG&E rep: "Does it smell like rotten eggs?"

Me: "I... I've never smelled rotten eggs. I don't know. It smells like gas."

PG&E rep: "Natural gas is odorless."

Me: "But I've smelled gas before and this is what it smells like."

PG&E rep: "You can't smell natural gas. It's odorless."

Me: "But I smell gas."

PG&E rep: "For safety reasons, we put a chemical in the gas in order to make it detectable."

Me: "Alright, then I smell the chemical you put in the gas in order to make it detectable."

PG&E rep: "Okay, does it smell like rotten eggs?"

Me: "Look, I have no idea what a rotten egg smells like. I don't know what kind of home you grew up in, but in my family we didn't keep a lot of rotten eggs around the house."

PG&E rep: "I'm sorry ma'am, but we get a lot of false alarms and I can't send anyone over to your house unless I can verify whether there's a gas leak."

Me: "Well, how else would I know I have a gas leak other than by smelling gas? What is it about 'I smell gas' that you don't understand..."

This went on for a few minutes longer and finally the a-hole relented and sent a repairman out. Turns out that the guy next door had died and his stove was leaking gas like crazy. In all honesty, I might have been smelling gas odor mixed with dead guy. But I suppose if I had said that, my call would have been transferred to the coroner's office instead.

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In the battle of strength vs. strength, Florida's defense is beating Ohio State's offense, like a freakin' drum.

I thought it would be a low scoring game. It's halftime and they've already gone over the over.

I actually like that Tressel went for it on 4th from their own 29, but they should have converted.

I thought FL's kicker sucked. Who's that dude?

I don't think the game is over though. If it was the NFL, yes. But this is college, and that's what I love about NCAAF. Anything can happen. (Such as sucky Florida whooping OSU, I guess.)

The OSU band is playing "My Heart Will Go On?!" Ouch, the irony!

Third Quarter Update: FL's on the 2 yard line. That's it, I'm done. This game's too boring to sit through the rest. OSU did not show up tonight. Congrats to Florida. I guess the BCS worked, though I still would rather have seen SC play for the title.

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This weekend I realized something, and I wanted to share it with you. Despite being bombarded with dire warnings from every corner, I've never felt afraid about global warming. Not even once since all the hysteria began. Al Gore needs to work harder.

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A's J Exclusive!!!

CENTURY CITY, CA — Sources close to mega-pop star Lindsay Logan have confirmed that her emergency appendectomy was the result of a little known experimental procedure called "toxicological remote analysis of medical photography."

The new technique uses super-high magnification of ordinary photographs to enable early diagnosis of many life threatening ailments, according to doctors at Cedars Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles.

"By analyzing any external snapshot under extreme magnification one can often see inside the patient's body," explained Dr. Valderramma, a pioneer in the new technique. "It all depends of course, on the particular orifice present on the photographic film."

Dr. Valderramma, an otorhinolaryngologist, often uses toxicological remote analysis of medical photography to screen his own patients for tonsillectomies.

"The technique is most useful for diagnosing tonsillitis, since photographs showing a patient's mouth are commonly available," said Valderramma. Evidently, it was only a matter of time before someone applied the same method to check for disorders of the lower torso, such as appendicitis.

"Nowadays anyone can easily obtain photographs of a young lady's cootch on the internet," explained Dr. Valderramma. "So in a way, Ms. Lohan is quite lucky that someone performed the analysis on one of her paparazzi photos. Her own skankiness may have saved her life."

"It's just another example of the wonders of modern science," the doctor added with a wide grin.

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Okay, I think it's safe to say everyone was surprised by the Colts' defense today.

On to game two: Dallas at Seattle.

Both teams are well coached, yet have stumbled lately.

Romo has played poorly in his last couple of games, but Seattle's secondary may be vulnerable from injuries sustained last weekend.

Hasselbeck throws more interceptions, but Romo fumbles more.

Tough game to pick, but I'm going with the superior quarterback, at least on paper, Tony Romo. Plus, he makes great ribs.

Seattle is the favorite and the spreads range from one to three points. Take the three points, bet Dallas, and laugh at the suckers later. This time for real.

Update: My advice to Tony Romo is this: from now on, be wary of any lady cops named Einhorn.

Update 2: My final record for the year, with 16 games, is 8-6-2. The two pushes tell you exactly how good I am!

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1 So much for the second coming of Roger Staubach.

Posted by: Casca at January 06, 2007 09:13 PM (2gORp)

2 Cripes, I was surprised at Indy's defense today. Damn near swooned. But, one thing I loved about the win: It stuffs Fox Sports's Pro-Football Preview talking heads. Blah blah blah, we love making noise, screw the Colts, blah blah blah... Take That, guys! However... as much as I hate to admit this, the Chiefs shot themselves in the foot today. Just how many mistakes could they have committed? Baltimore's gonna be a monster for Indy. And Ogden's back. Yeowwwch. ---- Romo? Man, small mistake magnified into huge, huge significance by when it happened. The playoffs are not the time to bobble field-goal snaps, and definitely not when the game's on the line. But, he faced the press and took it like a man. And Ditka's got it right: They're in the playoffs because of him. So, bad ending, true, but positive outlook for the 'Boys future. Romo's gonna hate this summer though. He's gonna be down on himself until he gets his hand on a football in a game next season.

Posted by: ElMondoHummus at January 07, 2007 12:05 AM (90ofN)

3 See how easy it is? Just figure Tony will find a way to lose. I gotta admit, it was a classic; the Boyz probably paid him a bundle for that little bobble...

Posted by: shelly at January 07, 2007 05:51 AM (SLFj+)

4 And if you need MORE evidence... who called that pass play to Glenn on their own one yard line?

Posted by: Casca at January 07, 2007 09:21 AM (2gORp)

5 GO BIG RED!!! (By at least

Posted by: shelly at January 07, 2007 11:47 AM (SLFj+)

6 Big Red? That's Oklahoma! The Buckeyes will be in their away jerseys (white) tomorrow. The jerseys were tied to the hotel the teams would be in, and the Buckeyes like to stay at the Princess Resort when they're in Phoenix. lol, it's become a bit of tradition, and the Princess staff loves them too. My only fear is that Tressel doesn't unload on Meyer tomorrow. He's definitely in the coaches protective association. Even if he is the only member these days.

Posted by: Casca at January 07, 2007 04:18 PM (2gORp)

7 Actually, Big Red is Nebraska, not Oklahoma.

Posted by: DHammett at January 08, 2007 11:19 AM (J7BEJ)

8 I knew they were out there somewhere.

Posted by: Casca at January 08, 2007 03:44 PM (2gORp)

9 Shelly is actually a fan of the chewing gum. He was simply encouraging us all to buy at least 8 packs.

Posted by: annika at January 08, 2007 08:02 PM (1EshY)

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The first game today is KC at Indy. The favorite is Indy, by 7 points. Interesting twists include the following:

Indy's run defense is ranked last.

KC's RB Larry Johnson is the league's second best rusher, and having a career year.

Dungy and Edwards are great friends, but Dungy will be looking to avenge Indy's 41-0 loss to Edwards the last time they met in the playoffs.

Manning needs to prove he can win in the playoffs.

I think Indy will win, but LJ and the Colts crappy defense make it too tempting not to take KC plus the 7 points. Go with KC+7 and laugh at the suckers later.

Result: Indianapolis kills the Chiefs, 23 to 8. I lose.

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Cinnamon Dolce latte has returned to Starbucks!

OMG!

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Check out the Concourse of Hypocrisy.

Full disclosure: my old car gets at least 35 mpg without the benefit of a single bumper sticker.

h/t 6MB.

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This is a slightly unusual poem by Ogden Nash. Not because it's humorous; most of Nash's poetry was humorous. No, what I find unusual about it is it seems to be a mish-mash of styles. Note how the last five lines are *almost* a limerick (the rhyming scheme is off a bit-ABCCB). I suspect, though, that was accidental.

But that's not important; what I think is important is he's right about what that something about a martini is.

Tanqueray, in my case.

A Drink With Something In It

There is something about a Martini,
A tingle remarkably pleasant;
A yellow, a mellow Martini;
I wish I had one at present.
There is something about a Martini,
Ere the dining and dancing begin,
And to tell you the truth,
It is not the vermouth--
I think that perhaps it's the gin.

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The Louisville Parrots are beating the Lake Forest uhhh Whittakers. I should continue to watch, but I am hungry. What should I eat? El Pollo Loco is close, but so is In-n-Out.

Okay, the NFL regular season is over and my MNF pick record was 7-5-2, which is not bad. That's a .571 winning percentage, which would get me in the playoffs if I was a football team. I made predictions in 14 games, but I really should pick two more to make it a 16 game season. I don't know where I lost track of those two games.

To make it totally fair, I will predict the next two upcoming games, which happen to be KC-Indy and Dallas-Seattle.

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I feel compelled to throw a wet blanket over some of the triumphalism I see in the blogosphere over Saddam Hussein's execution. I don't think it's a cause for Americans to be celebrating. I say this not because I'm ambivalent about the death penalty, but because we did not invade Iraq in order to kill Saddam Hussein.

We invaded Iraq to bring democracy to that part of the world, because doing so will in theory make us safer here at home. Not only have we not yet succeeded in that purpose, but our ultimate success (as well as the very theory our plan is based upon) is very much in doubt right now. No matter how much Saddam may have deserved what he got, I'd just rather save my celebrating for the day our troops return home victorious.

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It is a semi well known fact that the number of Elvis impersonators in the world has increased exponentially since the singer's death in 1977. But how many of you know just how pronounced and dangerous the trend is?

According to the San Francisco Chronicle

When Elvis Presley died in 1977, there were an estimated 37 Elvis impersonators in the world. By 1993, there were 48,000 Elvis impersonators, an exponential increase. Extrapolating from this, by 2010 there will be 2.5 billion Elvis impersonators. The population of the world will be 7.5 billion by 2010. Every 3rd person will be an Elvis impersonator by 2010.

To be sure, not all of the finest workings of global population science is yet fully understood to the finest grain. However, all of the basics are absolutely clear. The Elvis impersonator crisis is real, humans are causing the problem, and the solutions are available to us now. It is not too late to avoid the worst. All that is needed is the political will to act.

h/t Some Words To Not.

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The new poll is up on the sidebar!

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